Intimacy begins when we become honest about what is happening inside us and are willing to share it with our partner.
That means moving beyond surface-level answers and learning to recognize our fears, disappointments, desires, wounds, and struggles. It also means learning to express them truthfully and graciously.
It’s easy to assume that intimacy is broken when something goes wrong, when someone wrongs the other, or when one partner does something explicitly hurtful.
Yes, those situations can and do hurt our intimacy. But let’s look at it from a different angle.
Intimacy can also be broken because we mean well.
Intimacy can be broken when our heart is in the right place, so to speak. It can be lost when we are actually trying to protect it.
If intimacy is so fragile that we are not only at risk of losing it when we do something wrong, but also when we are trying to do something right, we’re screwed!
What does this have to do with telling the truth?
Telling the truth can be difficult, not because we want to lie, but because it exposes both us and our partner. It brings to light uncomfortable things we would rather avoid, if at all possible.
It reveals what is going on inside us. It may also reveal something about our partner that we are not sure they are ready to hear.
When something is off
Last week, my wife and I were enjoying a meal and having a conversation. At one point, she responded to something I said, and her response hurt.
She didn’t say anything mean. She didn’t yell. She simply responded to something I had said. She could not have known that her statement would hurt me.
I stumbled through the next few minutes, trying to keep my thoughts straight. Meanwhile, she noticed that my composure had changed. My breathing was short, my words were mumbled, and my voice was low.
We paused and acknowledged that something was up. We talked it through. I explained what had hurt me and why, and then we went on with our evening.
Along with other details that I will spare you, that situation raised a fear in my wife. Suffice it to say that over the next few days, she struggled to tell me what she was thinking and feeling.
It was obvious that something was up. She was trying hard to “get over it” and move on.
We remained stuck in a sort of limbo for nearly a week. Neither of us was mad at the other. We had not argued. Neither of us had deliberately done anything wrong.
Yet our emotional connection was hindered. Intimacy was running away. We could both see it happening, but we kept cycling without being able to regain our footing.
What was going on?
Why was my wife worried about telling me what was on her mind? Why was she struggling to tell me the truth?
Telling the truth can be hard even when we have no desire to lie. It can be hard even when we want what is best for one another.
Here are three reasons I believe we struggle to tell the truth and, in the process, lose some of our intimacy.
1. We don’t understand what is happening inside us
Sometimes we don’t tell the truth because we don’t quite know what the truth is yet.
That is fair. It can take time for our thoughts, feelings, and emotions to sync up. Our immediate reaction may tell us that something is wrong without telling us what is wrong or why it affected us so deeply.
On the one hand, we want to find our bearings before we start speaking. That can be wise. Not every emotion needs to be expressed the moment we feel it.
On the other hand, we can remain stuck in an endless cycle of mixed thoughts and emotions while waiting to understand everything perfectly. Sometimes we don’t begin to understand what is happening inside us until we start talking about it.
We may need to begin with an incomplete truth:
“I know something is going on inside me, but I don’t understand it yet.”
We don’t need a finished explanation to invite our partner into what we are experiencing.
2. We don’t want to hurt the other, be rejected, or get hurt ourselves
My wife’s primary hesitation was the fear that she would hurt me if she shared her thoughts truthfully.
She meant well. She wanted to preserve my peace by not telling me things she feared might be painful for me to hear.
The red lights tend to go off when the truth we need to speak concerns our partner. If it is about something random or outside the relationship, it is not too bad. But when it directly touches our partner’s actions, habits, patterns, or words, we hold back.
We tell ourselves we are protecting them.
What happens, though, is that in our effort to spare our partner from potentially being hurt by our words, we hurt them through emotional distance. They notice that we are no longer fully present, but they don’t know why. They become stuck along with us.
Silence does not leave the relationship untouched. It creates a space that our partner will usually try to fill with guesses, fears, and assumptions.
If we are still struggling to think clearly, we may also worry that our partner will react and hurt us when we are genuinely trying not to hurt them. We may fear being misunderstood, dismissed, criticized, or rejected.
Or we may worry that we simply won’t be heard. More on that later when we explore the principle of listening.
These fears are real. Telling the truth does involve risk. Intimacy always does.
But telling the truth is not the same as unloading everything we feel without thought or restraint.
Truth-telling requires us to take responsibility for what is happening inside us while remaining curious about what is happening inside our partner.
There is a significant difference between saying, “You don’t care about me,” and saying, “When that happened, I felt unimportant to you. I know that may not have been your intention, but I want to help you understand what happened inside me.”
One closes the conversation. The other gives intimacy somewhere to begin.
3. We would rather avoid tension and awkwardness
I will return to this often throughout the series:
Intimacy is often on the other side of tension and awkwardness.
Only those who learn to navigate through this tension and face the awkwardness will taste the depth of intimacy.
Most of us would prefer for intimacy to feel natural and effortless. We want the meaningful conversation but don’t quite know how to get through an uncomfortable beginning. We want to be understood, but we fear that may not be possible when we struggle to find the words.
The awkward moment is often the place where we stand at a crossroads. We can back away, pretend nothing happened, and slowly move toward indifference. Or we can remain present long enough to discover what is happening between us.
We can say, “Forget about it.”
Or we can say, “This is uncomfortable, and I’m not sure how to talk about it, but I don’t want it to create distance between us.”
The tension is not necessarily evidence that intimacy has failed. It is an invitation to go deeper.
What can we do to help one another tell the truth?
First, acknowledge what is happening before you can fully explain it.
You don’t need to have everything sorted out.
“Something feels off between us.”
“I’m afraid to tell you what I’m thinking because I don’t want to hurt you.”
Those statements reassure your partner that the distance has been noticed and that you intend to return.
Second, find ways to begin the conversation that release some of the pressure.
For some couples, speaking face-to-face is best. Others need a different entry point. You might write an email or a letter. You might take turns telling your experience of the situation without being interrupted. You might go for a drive or take a walk so you aren’t staring directly at one another.
Someone once suggested putting a sock on your hand and letting the puppet speak for you. We never tried it, but if it helps you tell the truth, the sock may be worth a shot.
The method is not the point. The goal is to create enough safety to begin speaking.
Third, tell your experience without pretending that your experience is the whole story.
Speak about what you felt, feared, wanted, or assumed. Be truthful, but remain humble enough to recognize that your partner experienced the same situation differently.
Finally, learn to receive the truth as well as speak it.
If honesty is repeatedly met with defensiveness, correction, mockery, punishment, or immediate explanations, your partner will eventually stop risking it.
You do not have to agree with everything your partner says. You do not have to accept an unfair interpretation of your motives. But before explaining yourself, try to understand what it cost your partner to speak and what they are trying to help you see.
Truth-telling requires courage from both people: courage to reveal and courage to remain present when something difficult is revealed.
Practice telling the truth
At the end of the day, practice is the only way to get there.
We learn to tell the truth by telling it, imperfectly at first. We learn to remain present by staying in the awkward moment a little longer than we did last time.
The goal is not to say everything perfectly. It is to become increasingly unwilling to let fear, confusion, or good intentions quietly create distance between us.
Intimacy grows when I allow you to see what is happening inside me and when I make room for what is happening inside you.
Sometimes the truth will be clear. Sometimes it will come out awkwardly. Other times all we will be able to say is:
“I don’t completely understand what is happening inside me yet, but I’m trying.”
That is often enough to begin.